Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
