i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
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