A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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