I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
