Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
