Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
