Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
