Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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