Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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