I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
