Jerry, you need to find god
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
