You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
