im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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