fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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