I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
