Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
