Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
