he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Randomize
