nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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