I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
