I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
