I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
