there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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