think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
