It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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