is your mom at the bar?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize