Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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