i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
