Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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