Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
smell my finger.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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