she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
i think my cat just said my name.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
