nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
