can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
