Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
