Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
