I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I wish you could order shots online.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
