His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
