im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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