Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
