My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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