Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
