haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
