My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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