I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
