"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
