I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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