rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
