"it" just moved
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I touched a dick in church today
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
