Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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