I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
